


Define Sexual

by CassadyFlies



Category: No. 6 (Anime & Manga), No. 6 - All Media Types, No. 6 - Asano Atsuko
Genre: Aromantic, Asexuality, M/M, Reunion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-06
Updated: 2015-09-11
Packaged: 2018-04-19 07:57:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4738697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CassadyFlies/pseuds/CassadyFlies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Love can't be defined, but sexual and romantic natures can. How can love survive when lovers are opposite sides- albeit of the same coin?</p>
<p>Asexual Shion and Aromantic Nezumi. I wasn't sure whether or not to tag this as explicit. I don't think it really is, but someone might. It's about sex, but it isn't sex is what I'll say.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It was a nice day. The sun was shining warmly through a thin sheet of clouds that just barely teased at rain. Baby Shion- Well, he was probably about five, but the clarifier had stuck, so Baby Shion he was- sat happily with his round feet in the river, a fresh batch of puppies chirping happily as he stroked their newborn fur. Inukashi crouched with an older dog, scrubbing it’s much shaggier fur as he kept a careful eye on his babies. Older Shion was helping out too. In the past few months, the restoration work had become more streamlined, and less desperate. He was enjoying more and more time for breaks, and so found himself frequenting Inukashi’s old hotel to help out with the dog washing. Even Karan and Rikiga were enjoying the sun. The two sat on a bench a ways back, drinking iced drinks and chatting idly.

Shion let his mind wander, briefly pondering over the trails of soap suds before skipping away to the curve of the mountains, and wondering about tectonic activity and climate shift. Were those vertical lines possibly petrified trees? Could there have once been thermal pockets contributing to the preservation? He didn’t care that much in reality. He was just enjoying the freedom to think. Nothing in particular was holding his attention. Actually, it was entirely likely that he was being spoken to. Maybe he was even responding. Who knew? The day was so sunny, so what could it possibly hurt?

“Shion.” A rigid voice pulled him out of his daydream so abruptly his ears popped. Inukashi’s eyes were wide. Had something happened? He hadn’t been paying attention…

“My goodness…” His mother’s voice breathed.

“What’s…?” Shion’s heart was in his throat as he looked back and forth between the faces of his family and friends. Even Baby Shion was gaping at him, tiny jaw dropped low.

Inukashi jerked his head west, a near smile playing around his lips. It looked more mocking than friendly, though. “It’s that thing you like.”

Shion looked up to find a familiar silhouette was standing on a boulder, heavy-looking backpack at his feet, coy smile flashing down.

“Hey guys, long time no see.”

With a rough nudge from Inukashi, Shion stumbled to his feet, breath caught in his throat as he plodded over to the water’s edge. Nezumi grinned, leaping lightly across the stepping stones to land with a bounce in front of Shion’s saucer-like eyes. They took a moment to take each other in: Nezumi stood differently now, happier, in more rugged-looking clothes that fit properly. The only piece of his old outfit that remained was the superfiber cloth tied loosely around his shoulders, in which was tucked a very old, deeply sleeping mouse. It’s fur had gone gray- Shion couldn’t tell which one it was.

Staring was painful. After only a moment, his throat felt clogged, and his eyes were tight. His whole chest felt compressed by some godly hand. Feeling the tears breach the perimeter of his eyes, he wished desperately that he had the kind of emotional self-control Nezumi was always preaching-

Oh…

Nezumi was crying too. His lip trembled and his gray eyes were scrunched and leaking. Shion had nearly forgotten that expression… it was his favorite.

Suddenly, warm arms were wrapped around his back, and that expression was hidden from Shion’s view. He stared blindly over Nezumi’s shoulder as they embraced, the light babble of the river becoming roaring white noise in his ears.

Shion choked, a tumult of thoughts competing to reach his tongue, “Five-”

“Years.” Nezumi’s hand tangled through Shion’s hair, twirling strands between his fingers.

Their hearts fluttered frantically against each other, trying to beat out of their cages and embrace as well. “I- I-”

“I missed you.”

“I _missed_ you.”

Then, however it happened, the world shifted, and it was warm, and they were kissing.

A soft ‘Ohhh….’ of understanding came forth from someone in the small group behind them.

Shion couldn’t be sure which of them had started or ended the kiss, but a moment later his face was turned down to Nezumi’s shoulder as the other three adults walked up cautiously to say hello.

“You came back,” Inukashi sniffed.

“Sure did. I’m tough to get rid of.” Nezumi’s tear-stained voice reverberated through Shion’s chest.

“Like the plague,” Inukashi quipped, but lightly.

“You keep your promises, don’t you?” Karan’s smiling voice rang out.

“Every time.”

“Welcome home, Nezumi.” Shion felt his mother’s hand on his back, a gesture meant for Nezumi, not her son, but Shion wasn’t quite ready to step away.

“Eve. You’re still relatively in one piece, I see. What the hell does it take to shake you?” Rikiga’s gruff, slightly inebriated voice greeted.

“Half a decade alone in a forest, apparently.”

“Hmm. Well, I’m glad you’re back, anyway. For Shion. He seems to… care…”

“Mm.” Apparently Nezumi had enough with affection, because he pulled himself away, boots crunching over river rocks as he gained a little distance. He gestured, “Shion, let’s go.”

“Go where?” Inukashi called, frowning.

_Yeah, whe…_ “Oh!” Shion smiled, wiping his eyes, “Mom, I’ll… I’m…”

“Go ahead, I’m fine.” Karan waved, picking up Baby Shion, who was frowning at his neglect.

Shion’s heart swelled as he hopped over the stepping stones after Nezumi, who was already six strides ahead down the road.

Inukashi tapped baby Shion on the arm as he watched them go, shaking his head at the whimsical antics of the bizarre pair. “Do you know who that is?”

Baby Shion nodded, perfectly matching a scowl he must have seen a million times, “It’s that damn rat.”

Inukashi nodded proudly, “And what do I say about him?”

He smacked a fist into his chest, “Shion stay away!”


	2. Chapter 2

The smell of must and paper. Shion had often heard that olfactory memories were the most heavily tied to emotion; he thought it must be true as he stood staring at the dust covered room that had imprinted on his soul. Every question he’d been suppressing died in his throat as the nostalgic smell overwhelmed him.

Aside from the obvious places where the hands of time had touched- like the dust on the bedsheets, or the cobwebs in the furnace- everything remained essentially unchanged.

“Nobody cared to break into a West Block residence when No. 6 was up for the taking,” Nezumi explained, voicing Shion’s inner monologue. “Even after five years. This place has been forgotten.”

Shion shook his head, “I’ll never forget.”

Nezumi swiped off the bed, sending a cloud of dust into the air before giving up and sitting down anyway. “Yeah…”

Shion sat down next to him, and the two sat in silence for a long time, each paying their respects to what history had been made here.

Surprisingly, Nezumi was the one to break the silence. “So, all this time you’ve been in No. 6… A lot has changed.”

_Yeah, and the city as well,_ Shion thought to himself, nodding. “It has.”

“And I’ve been beyond what we thought was still habitable… I discovered many new things.” He continued, tone almost playing around awkward.

Shion sighed, sensing his discomfort. “It’s not like you to speak so indirectly.”

“I-...” Nezumi frowned, “Yeah, you’re right.” He took a deep breath, “I’m wondering how to talk to you again, I guess.”

“Words are overrated,” Shion shrugged, leaning back into the wall, “We could do better things than talk.”

Nezumi raised an eyebrow, peering at him with interest, “Then what do you suggest?”

Shion hummed, “Mmm… I’ve got no clue.”

Nezumi huffed, muttering under his breath, “Still pretty dense, huh?”

“Then you think of something,” Shion frowned.

Nezumi lied back on the bed, repeating lightly, “I’ve got no clue.”

Shion stared at his stretched out form, something strange curling in his stomach. Nezumi had certainly changed in five years. His hair was longer, looped over in his ponytail now. It looked like it might stretch all the way down his back. His features had grown sharper, a more defined look than the nearly feminine quality of adolescence. Yet, he still retained the strangely mesmerizing effect of a doll. It was almost as if he had been perfectly preserved after death this way; Shion could have been fooled if only his eyes didn’t sparkle as they did.

Almost unknowingly, he put his hand on Nezumi’s stomach, emotions he failed to repress seeping into his cheeks and shoulders. Nezumi tensed at the contact, but his eyes were more curious than defensive.

Wordless desire slammed against the front wall of Shion’s skull, a purely conceptual jumble of need he wasn’t sure he could or should articulate.

“I- I want…” Shion stumbled, blushing.

“Mm?”

“I want…” Shion tried again. _I just want._

“Got a real request there, or…?”

_Yes, there are words… they’re there, I know them…_ Shion took a breath, forcing himself to make eye contact, “I want to be sexual with you.”

Nezumi’s eyes widened fractionally. He sat up, mouth gaping, expression full of humor. His shoulders were tight with a different reaction than Shion had hoped for, but nothing less than he’d braced himself to expect.

He looked away, humiliated, as he waited for whatever awful, sarcastic response would come to whip his bared soul this time.

He was met with laughter that shook the bed as Nezumi spoke, “Pft hahaha! Good god, that’s it! That’s the one!” He doubled over, clasping Shion’s shoulder for support, “That’s my ultimate favorite line from you, shit…” He gasped, “Hahaha, oh, Shion! That was beautiful! I tried-” He choked, out of breath, “I tried to think of how you’d say it if you ever did, but I never-” he broke off, unable to continue as he gasped for breath, shaking with silent mirth all the way to his fingertips.

Shion wished he could disappear. He bit his lip hard to stop himself from crying and embarrassing himself further. _Why do I do this?_

“I never could have imagined anything so perfect.” Nezumi calmed down, wiping the tears from his eyes. He seemed to notice Shion’s devastation a moment later. “No, don’t be upset…”

“You’re laughing at me.”

Nezumi sighed. “Ah, okay, I’m sorry. Let me just…” He shifted around so he was sitting properly, “Me too.”

Shion looked up, startled.

“I want to be…” Nezumi’s weak attempt at formality broke off suddenly, laughter reigniting in his eyes, “Ghhaha oh my god! Damn it, sorry, shit, I can’t say that. I could never deliver that line so perfectly as you. I gotta say it like... Shion, yes, let’s do it, let’s have sex.”

_No, wait, that’s not right. That’s not what I said._ Shion groaned in frustration, “That’s not what I mean! I don’t… Ugh!”

Nezumi looked genuinely surprised, all humor in his eyes dying. “Really? Tell me what you mean, then.”

He rubbed his eyes furiously, “I said what I mean. I want to be… I don’t want to have sex the way you do. I want… I want…”

Nezumi tilted his head at him, “How do you possibly presume the way I have sex?”

“I…” Shion’s voice withered, wanting to give up on explaining and just forget the whole thing. “I don’t know… like… like cum and go?”

In an instant, Nezumi was laughing again, “‘Like cum and go!’” He bent over at the waist, burying his face in his hands, “I missed you, I missed you, I missed you…”

If it were possible, Shion would have blushed harder.

Nezumi rubbed his face furiously, reigning in his laughter, “Okay. Okay. Let’s figure it out, Shion, since you can’t seem to put it into words- which are overrated, didn’t you say? Let’s figure out what you mean.”

Shion looked up cautiously, “...Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Nezumi took his hand, “Why don’t you just show me?”


	3. Chapter 3

Not sex- sexual. It was a broader term; an adjective, not a verb. At least to Shion, that was an important distinction. Really, anything could be described that way- Shion had been looking more for permission to let his actions speak from that description than he had been suggesting an activity. In other words, it was a confession, not a request.

That was something Nezumi didn’t grasp. Confessions had never really been a part of his life before, given that he’d never intended to form such a relationship. Even now, holding Shion’s hand was less a gesture of love or friendship than it was one of apology. He hadn’t meant to make Shion that upset.

“Why don’t you just show me?”

Shion frowned, “Show you?”

“Yeah,” Nezumi nodded, shrugging, “Whatever it is _you_ do. I wanna learn.” Couldn’t be too bad, could it? He actually said he didn’t mean sex, so… How much trouble could it really be?

After a moment’s pause, Shion nodded, looking determined. “Okay. I’ll try.” He tapped a finger on his chin like he was considering, “Close your eyes.”

_Mmm… I guess that’s okay…_ Nezumi closed his eyes hesitantly. A second later, he repressed the urge to jump as Shion touched his hair, untying it so it fell down to the middle of his back.

“I wondered…” Shion muttered, then shifted on the bed.

With his eyes closed, Nezumi could only guess what he was going to do. He felt the superfiber cloth being untied and removed, then his jacket was unzipped and taken away.

_Maybe he will go further than I thought…_

Next, his shirt was taken off, and Shion put a hand on his chest, “Lay down.”

Nezumi turned over the dusty pillow before he did what he was told, keeping his eyes closed the whole time. He helped as Shion tugged off his pants, then waited in curiosity when everything stopped.

There was a long moment of stillness. After what seemed like an eternity, he opened his eyes, giving up.

Shion was just staring at him. Smiling slightly with a heavy blush hanging in his cheeks, but with an otherwise neutral expression. It was creepy.

“...What are you doing?” Nezumi asked, frowning in annoyance.

Shion shrugged, “I don’t know. What I do, I guess. I’ve never done this before.”

Nezumi crossed his hands over his stomach, feeling a bit exposed, “What, you’ve never stared at a naked person before?”

“You’re not all the way naked…” Shion frowned, “I left your underwear on.”

“How very like a gentleman of you. Can I sit up, or is this an indefinite arrangement?” Nezumi asked, sitting up before Shion could respond.

“Yeah, sure.” Shion was still staring at him. Not even at his body or anything, just gazing into his eyes like a mental patient.

Nezumi grimaced, “Can you… I don’t know, get equally undressed or something?”

Shion’s eyes widened, “Oh! Yeah, okay…”

Nezumi looked away as Shion took his clothes off. He felt curiously uncomfortable with everything going on. When he looked back, Shion had resumed his staring- looking very much like he intended to do it forever.

Nezumi rolled his eyes, “For the love of… do you at least want to touch me or something? Something other than stare?” He was getting irritated.

Shion frowned contemplatively, “Hmm, okay… Can you lay back down, then?”

Biting back an annoyed sigh, Nezumi laid back down, closing his eyes again so as not to have to stare into Shion’s. It was a good solid ten seconds before anything happened. Nezumi was about to open his eyes again to complain when Shion’s hand appeared on his chest. He left it there for a while before he moved it up to Nezumi’s shoulder, touching the old bullet wounds that had long since healed, leaving behind translucent white scars that stood out sharply against his otherwise smooth skin. The scars on his arms, and his legs, then up to his hair- _what the hell is he doing?_

“Are you braiding my hair?”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

“It’s pretty.” Shion hummed noncommittally.

“I thought we were gonna ‘be sexual.’” Nezumi frowned, opening his eyes.

“Yeah,” Shion said again.

Irritating. “Do you know what that word means?”

“Yeah,” Shion repeated.

Nezumi sat up, “Then you know this isn’t what it means?”

“Could be.” Shion replied infuriatingly.

Nezumi smacked Shion’s hands out of his hair, “No it couldn’t. I guess by some weird-ass definition you could call this romantic, if that’s what you meant.”

Shion looked up, rubbing his hand where Nezumi had hit it, “I didn’t say romantic. We were always romantic.”

Nezumi’s eyes widened, “We were not!”

Shion frowned curiously at him, “Yeah we were.”

Nezumi gaped, “You… You can’t just announce things into memories. They have to… You have to…”

Shion shrugged, “It doesn’t really matter. Can I keep going?”

Nezumi fought back a ‘No!’ and said, “I… Just… Don’t braid my hair.”

Shion nodded, and pushed him gently back down on the bed, this time curling up with him, hand resting on Nezumi’s stomach.

Desperately suppressing both the urge to blush, and punch Shion in the ribs, Nezumi’s brow curled into a painful looking scowl. “Gh… Why…” _Why anything this guy does…?_

“I just think physical contact is important,” Shion muttered, “plus, you said I could show you.”

_But I never…_ Nezumi gave up. He did say Shion could show him. So if this weird, affectionate touching was what he called sexual, then that was they were going to do. Nezumi forced his muscles to relax, letting Shion nuzzle closer.

Rapid-fire defense warnings shot through his mind:

_What is he doing?! What are you doing?! This isn’t good! This isn’t safe! Tell him to get off of you. Shove him away. No, show him what sexual REALLY means! Hit him. Shove him. Fuck him. Hit him. Say something. Say something! SAY SOMETHING!_

“I met your dad.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy birthday, Shion. Sorry about that..


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for Beyond... probably should have put that last chapter. Ah well.
> 
> If you want to skip to the last little bit where there's no spoilers, you can command (or control) F "They sat in silence" without the quotation marks.

“I met your dad.”

The words took a moment to register. Shion had to piece them together one by one, like learning a new language. _I. Met. Your. Dad…?_

_But he’s not around?_ Was the first thing he thought of, and quickly shoved away. _Liar,_ was the second. Third, the full meaning hit him and his thoughts blurred into an incomprehensible ringing.

He sat up, suddenly feeling nauseous.

“No you didn’t.”

Nezumi sat up too, “In the forest.”

Shion thought he might fall over. Or throw up. Maybe both. “No you didn’t,” he said again, refusing to believe it. Nezumi was just saying these things because he didn’t want to be touched. Shion should have guessed that about him. Of course he wouldn’t want that.

“You have his eyes.”

Shion clamped a hand over his mouth, falling heavily back against the wall. Was that true? Was it? Was it? His eyes suddenly felt heavy in his skull, ill-fitting, like they really did belong to someone else.

“Well, the color I guess is different now, since… You look ill.” Nezumi stared down at him, looking concerned and a little guilty.

“Di-did-...” Shion wasn’t sure what he was going to say. _It doesn’t matter, does it? It doesn’t matter. He’s just a person. I never knew him. I never knew him._ He shook his head, “No you didn’t.”

Nezumi sighed.

Shion shook his head again, feeling dizzy but confident, “I don’t have a dad.”

Nezumi was quiet for a long moment. “Okay.”

“S-so you didn’t meet him.” He concluded, swallowing heavily and not believing himself for a second.

Nezumi nodded, “Okay. Yeah. You’re right. You don’t. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

Shion nodded, eating the burning curiosity hammering at the inside of his skull. _What does he look like? What did he say? How did you meet him? Did he like you? What’s his name?_

“I don’t have a dad.”

Nezumi shifted awkwardly, “Yeah. Yeah. I… I’m sorry.”

“What’s his name?” Shion asked, biting back everything else. At least that much was okay to know. That much that his mother had never told him.

Nezumi looked away, “I don’t know.”

“Yes you do.”

“Does it matter?”

“To me.”

“Well, I don’t know.”

“Yes you do.”

“Why do you care?”

“Because-” Shion broke off, unable to come up with an answer. Why did it matter? “Because.”

“You don’t know my name either,” Nezumi reminded.

That kind of hurt. “Yeah. So tell me.”

“No, it’s not important. It was never important.” He scowled.

“Just tell me!”

“No. Why should I?”

“Why not?” Shion looked down, fighting hard not to cry. “Why not?”

Another long pause. “...Shion.”

“What?” He was shaking. Whether with confusion, anger, nerves, or something else entirely, he couldn’t be sure.

Nezumi shook his head, “His name.”

“What?”

Nezumi just looked away.

It hit him. “That’s… not right…”

Nezumi scoffed under his breath, “Again with that...”

“But… My name was for a flower. My mom picked it.”

“This guy did too, apparently.”

Shion was quiet, confusion winning over everything else and paralyzing his tongue.

Nezumi put a hand on Shion’s back tentatively, “Just forget it.”

Shion frowned, confusion deepening.

Nezumi rolled his eyes, “Your… whatever he is, forget it. Forget I said anything.”

Shion nodded. “You told him, right?”

Nezumi’s shoulders fell, “You nodded… forget it.”

“So why isn’t he back?”

“...I don’t know.”

“Yes you do.”

“No, I really don’t.”

They sat in silence for a long time, neither sure what to say to the other.

Shion’s head was pounding. He lay back down on the bed, closing his eyes and breathing deeply. He suddenly felt naked- both literally and figuratively.

“Okay.” Shion opened his eyes after a long moment.

“...What?”

“Your turn.” He sat up, eyes earnest.

“...What?” Nezumi asked again, looking confused and unsettled.

Shion took his hand, “Show me what sexual means to you.”

Nezumi raised an eyebrow, “You… so fucking changeable… dammit.”

Shion raised an eyebrow back, “So, do you not want to anymore?”

“That’s not-” Nezumi looked lost. “You were just so upset, and now you want… I don’t get it.”

Shion frowned, wondering himself. “Hmm… Maybe that’s why. I don’t know. I’m upset, so distract me?”

Nezumi’s face fell, “That’s so…”

Shion dropped his hand, suddenly defensive, “That’s a perfectly valid reason. Besides, I love you and I play fair, so it’s your turn.”

Nezumi cringed. At what piece of that sentence, Shion wasn’t sure.

Shion sighed, wrapping his arms around Nezumi’s waist and pulling him close, “I’m okay. I want you to show me too.”

Nezumi’s skin grew warm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All the parts of that sentence. "I love you," _Ugh, this again._ "I play fair," _I'm gonna make you sexually uncomfortable for the sake of balance?_ "It's your turn." _It's meant to be mutual..._
> 
> It's all horrifying.


	5. Chapter 5

In all honesty, Shion had never really considered sex, when it came to himself. When he was younger he worried it was unusual, but that was back when he had the headspace to worry over such things. It seemed trivial as an adult. Still, as his head hit the pillow, he wondered if maybe he should have thought about it more, at least enough to do research. He trusted Nezumi to show him what he needed to know, but it would have been nice to have some sort of expectation.

Sex education in No. 6 had been… not exactly lacking, but maybe a little too theoretical. He knew how to label every part of both the female and male reproductive systems, he knew all the stages of pregnancy, and about menstruation, and masturbation, but… actually having sex was a different story. Especially since their anatomies didn’t exactly interlock.

They had been discouraged from discussing such things, and therefore never did.

He suddenly wondered if he should ask questions, or if this was one of those things he was supposed to just shut up about and try to follow as best he could.

“Nezumi, I-”

Nezumi kissed him and halted his question.

So just shut up then.

Lying supine on the bed. Nezumi lifted one of his knees, and ran long, thin fingers up his thigh. They kissed deeply, feeling connected by magnets.

Interesting.

_Hands around my waist. In my hair. Always in my hair, he must like it. Heavy against me. Whoa._

Their full bodies pressed against each other.

_Warm._

Touching Nezumi felt good. It felt intimate, and loving, and being touched back felt good as well. Like maybe Nezumi might love him too.

Nezumi’s eyes were closed, Shion noticed. He should probably close his eyes too.

He couldn’t bring himself to.

It was just so mesmerizing to watch the blush in Nezumi’s cheeks that ever so subtly changed everything. The way his stomach hitched when a new corner of their bodies collided. His hands as they played along every groove and plane of Shion’s body.

It was beautiful. It took Shion’s breath away, and made his head spin. He fell in love again and again with each shuddering breath, and clung tight with the pads of his fingers, terrified this phenomenon might fly away.

It felt good to be wanted.

That was astounding in itself. If sex was something to sing about, then this must be why. Because this beautiful boy who made his heart ache with both joy and sadness was single-mindedly invested in him. This person who had led him into hell was now seeking heaven in his arms with every pent up sigh released at last.

Shion felt like crying again, but in a good way.

Then, suddenly, his chest felt high and light because Nezumi had pulled away, sitting up in bed with his legs crossed awkwardly, and a confused frown settled between lightly pinked cheeks.

He still looked beautiful.

“Haahh..?” Was all Shion managed while he tried to comprehend what had happened and every nerve in his skin mourned the loss of contact.

“You’re not hard,” Nezumi pointed out, sounding annoyed.

Shion looked down, confirming, “Oh yeah… You are.”

Nezumi huffed, “Of course. That’s normal. Why aren’t you?”

Shion thought about it, “I don’t know… Maybe I was distracted?”

Nezumi gaped, “By what?”

“By you,” Shion frowned. Obviously.

“By…” Nezumi blinked at him, “You’re telling me you were too into it to be turned on.”

Shion shrugged, “Could be.”

Nezumi ran his hand through his hair, looking frustrated. “I don’t understand you.”

Shion sat up, “I could try myself.”

Nezumi’s shoulders drooped, “That’s just… upsetting.” He bit his lip, “Urgh, okay, let me see… How do you touch yourself, Shion?”

He was a little surprised by the presumptuous phrasing of the question. “Masturbation? I don’t.”

Nezumi’s eyes widened, “You… don’t?”

Shion corrected himself, “Well, I mean, I have. Several times, actually,” he added, suddenly wanting to prove himself.

Nezumi stared at him dully, “Several times…”

Shion shifted uncomfortably, “What about you?”

“Every day.” He answered instantly.

“Oh…” Shion felt inadequate. Suddenly, those old worries from his adolescence sprung back to mind.

A moment later, Shion’s thoughts were interrupted when Nezumi started laughing again. “Ha! This is ridiculous!” He chuckled to himself.

Shion’s chest tightened with guilt and embarrassment. “I… I guess I…”

Nezumi looked back up at him, “Huh? Oh, no, not you. Well, yeah, you. Both of us. It’s funny, isn’t it?”

Shion didn’t get it. “I don’t get it.”

_“Sexual.”_ He rubbed the heels of his hands into his eyes, chest still shaking with laughter, “I can’t do it your way, and you can’t do it mine. Yet here we are.”

_Here we are…_ Shion thought to himself, still feeling at fault.

“This has to be some cosmic irony. I can’t believe I had to fall for you.”

Shion wasn’t sure whether to feel elated or offended. He decided he felt both.

“But here we are.” Nezumi shook his head.

Shion nodded, silently taking Nezumi’s hand as the room fell still again.

After another moment, Nezumi squirmed, “Alright, this is a problem for me.”

“Hm?”

Nezumi looked away pointedly, _“You_ may not have a sex drive, but…”

Shion nodded slowly, “But… Oh. Oh! _Oh!”_ Yeah, maybe it was kind of funny. Shion smirked.

“Shut up. Damn.” Nezumi scowled at him.

Had the power just shifted? For _once?_ Shion folded his arms, “So how do _you_ touch yourself?”

“Thinking of you.”

Oh. _Oh._ “Oh.” He paused, taking that in. “So… tell me a story.”

Nezumi’s eyes widened fractionally, “Are you serious?”

Shion shrugged.

“You want to watch me get off on speaking my own fantasies aloud?”

He shrugged again.

“You want me to tell you a story _about us_ while I masturbate _in front of you.”_ He gaped, “Is that what you’re telling me?”

“I guess so.” Shion frowned, “I want to know what you think about.”

Nezumi shook his head in disbelief, “What an exhibitionist you must think me…”

“You’re an actor.”

“Funny.”

“Yeah.”

Nezumi bit his lip, “I…” He sighed, “Alright, yeah, okay. Sure.”

“Really?”

Nezumi raised his hands in surrender, “I guess this is what _we_ do.”

Shion smiled. “I guess so.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay tuned for the- ahem- completion... in the next chapter. ;)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed the rating to explicit for this chapter.

Raw honesty is clunky speech. Nezumi’s tongue felt too big for his mouth as he tried to break down the barrier of shame between his mind and his language.

_Shame is just a construct of society. How absolutely ridiculous that I should succumb to something so pointless._

It was nothing but idealistic babble. Honesty burned his cheeks and shame rounded his shoulders, and that was an inescapable fact. There was nothing to do but push through it.

It didn’t help when Shion came closer, placing a hand on his knee, “It’s okay, it’s just the two of us here.”

But that was the problem. It seemed paradoxical, but it was true; a thousand strangers would be easier than one friend. It was too real. His very soul felt exposed. How much easier would this be if Shion were not himself but some faceless, drooling fan who called him _Eve_ and melted at his sweet facade? He could mumble innocent fantasies and blush and gasp, glossy lips forming the perfect little ‘O.’ Everything fake and meaningless and simple.

Here were the wide earnest eyes of a person he loved and trusted implicitly, and he couldn’t bring himself to say a word.

He closed his eyes.

What did he think about, those five years apart? Those nights he found himself in a stranger’s bed, sheltered by darkness and biting back the name on his lips. What had he felt those times his voice would break through, and that name that had caused him so much damage was let loose into a world that it’s owner wouldn’t think to touch?

_Oh… I get it._

Another level of shame rose in his cheeks. He was going to lie, he could feel it, and this time he felt guilty about it.

_It’s just sex. It’s just a means to an end. As long as he’s happy, and I get what I want, then what’s the problem?_

It still felt wrong.

He could imagine the back room of the theater, the one that they kept so perfectly clean where the rest of the building was a catastrophe of coat hangers and pins and torn up old script pages. If Shion wasn’t a friend, but a stranger, how might it be then?

_I would put on a show._

Suddenly, it was so easy.

“You’d undress me slowly, running your fingers along every line of my body as you went.”  
He nearly jumped when Shion’s hands appeared on his skin, touching his cheek, collarbone, every ridge of his ribcage. He nearly jumped, then caught himself and gasped sweetly instead.

“I’d undress you next, taking such care on every button and seam, desperately holding back my desire, I want to remember this moment.”

He remembered the exact expression he’d shown to his visitors those years ago. It was a simple recreation to do for Shion. Mouth wet, biting his bottom lip, a thin crease between his eyebrows because it was such a _struggle_ not to just let himself go, the poor virgin was so scared of his own feelings.

“Ah… I’d kiss you. Chastely at first, and then deeper.” Shion kissed him as told, and Nezumi let a moan catch in the back of his throat.

They broke apart, “Mmmnn… I’d kiss you all the way down your body, and you’d lie back on the bed,” He brought his fingers to his lips, kissing the tips of them.

He was starting to turn himself on.

“You’d look at me like I was the most beautiful thing you’d ever seen, and I’d suck the tip of your cock into my mouth.” He slid his hand down between his legs, rolling his shoulders upward like he was discovering the sensation for the first time. _“Ah! Hnn…_ And then slowly take the rest of you in because it feels so good to be full…”

Men liked that, when you got off on sucking their cocks. Ironically enough, he’d actually thought about Shion a few times to pull that very trick. Now he was doing the opposite, and it was working just as well. His whole body felt warm and activated.

He moaned, jaw falling slack, and stuck three of his fingers in his mouth like he was pulling it open so the noises in his throat had no choice but to escape. _“Aaahh!”_ He pressed his tongue down, feeling the saliva pool around his fingers.

Shion was disturbingly quiet, but Nezumi didn’t plan on opening his eyes to check on him.

Reverse fantasy was working. Arousal built in his core, tightening the muscles in his stomach.

“Say my name,” Shion spoke suddenly.

“Huh?” Nezumi was torn from his fantasy, and opened his eyes.

“Say my name,” Shion repeated. 

He knew. Whatever act Nezumi had tried to put on, he saw through it. That much was clear. Shion’s eyes were wide, almost tearful. A heavy blush hung in his cheeks, and he reached out and brushed the hair from Nezumi’s eyes.

_Woah! “Ahhnnn!”_ Just that touch felt so good, he groaned genuinely. “Ah, Shion…”

“Again.”

_“Shion!”_ All pretense was broken. He faced Shion honestly and suddenly, reality slapping him across the cheek. It felt good. His stomach hitched, and for the first time, he didn’t feel like a whore.

“What are you thinking?” Shion asked calmly.

No use. Involuntarily, he spoke, “I want to be _touched by you,_ to be taken and loose all sense of self from you. I want just for once to be _owned,_ I want to be held _down_ and give _up_ and _in._ I want you to fuck me until I’m high and I’m screaming and there’s no fight left in my bones and I just don’t care. I- I- I want- I want… I want…”

_I want…_

“You want?”

_I want?_

“I want to be in love with you.”

There were no more words, no more stories, only _feelings_ and raw _imagery_ that shuddered with dizzying speed behind his eyes until he came, crying.

“I just want to _love you.”_ He choked on the word, it felt so taboo. “Why can’t I just _love you?”_

Shion’s hands were on his face, wiping away his tears. Nezumi opened his eyes, mind still spinning with orgasm and confusion.

“It’s okay. We’re both okay.” Shion smiled.

“We’re not good for each other,” Nezumi looked away, smiling right now was too much.

“No. Probably not.” Shion agreed.

Nezumi nodded, blinking rapidly.

“It’s too bad I love you anyways.”

“I…” Nezumi tried to respond.

“…Yeah.” Shion stood up, “You don’t have to say it. I know.” He laughed, “Sucks, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah.”

“Let’s take a shower,” Shion held out his hand, “I want to read Othello with you.”

Nezumi followed him.

The next day, they would part ways again. When or if they would ever see each other again unclear. Nothing was certain for the future, but that was okay. All that really mattered was that they were happy in the moment. That much was certainly true. For a night, everything felt comfortable and familiar, like maybe this was sustainable. Like maybe they could stay that way forever. They fell asleep with the crumbling pages of a moth eaten book propped open on the sheets next to them, and they slept peacefully- close enough if not together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, everyone!


End file.
